When I decided to get off my ass and start losing some weight I thought for a few weeks about what my underlying issues are. I know that not everyone has underlying issues but I can say for sure that I do. Not only am I an emotional eater and I take on other people’s problems, mainly my parents’, but I also wanted the approval of one of the most important people in most peoples’ lives, their mother. Many people may think that my mom is a very supportive person and that is exactly what she wants people to think. I mean who would think that a mother wouldn’t be supportive of her children and the things they have accomplished or are trying to accomplish in their lives. I can tell you that my mother is very supportive of everything that my brother does and has said before that she is proud of the things my brother has done. I mean having a child you didn’t want at 20, still living at home, and having your parents pretty much raise your child are things to be proud of. Who wouldn’t be proud of someone who is living on their own, still doesn’t have any children because she knows she isn’t ready, is finishing up their bachelor’s degree, and has not asked you for help since moving out on my own? The answer to that questions is: my mother.
Before I started this I knew that there would have to be things/circumstances that I would have to accept in order to do this for me and for no one else. I’ve come to accept the fact that I will never be good enough for my mom. I will never be my brother, who every time I bring him up she always defends, and I will never be more than my father’s daughter. I can’t necessarily blame my mom for the way that she thinks, she puts a lot of weight and approval into things that in the normal world aren’t that big of a deal. She learned this behavior from somewhere and raised my brother and I the same way she was raised. I mean let’s be honest here, this is what this blog is for, I can’t even get my mom to like my posts about weight-loss on Facebook. Who wouldn’t be proud of their child for getting their health issues under control and wanting to be a healthier version of themselves? She wouldn’t because I think deep down she knows that she no longer can control me by stressing me out and in turn triggering my emotional eating.
I read an article (Adverse Childhood Experiences) last week posted by one of the wonder women in MLFC and it talked about how most people who gain weight have an initial onslaught of weight gain at a relatively young age and don’t put on a lot of weight over time. I thought this was so interesting and it made sense to me.! I was born at a normal weight, was average when I was one, two, and three but when I started preschool I was a “fat” kid. I thought maybe my parents could give me some insight as to what happened when I was 3-4 that would have triggered this weight gain. My dad gave me a couple of ideas so to be fair to myself I called my mom and asked her the same few questions I asked my dad. She gave me nothing, not even some benign answer about something that didn’t even make sense. All I got was an, “I have no idea.” You can’t think of one thing that happened in ’88-’89 that happened? I can and I don’t even have any memories of that time frame.
With no help from her to try to figure out what happened and what triggered my weight gain and the fact that she has never said she was proud of anything I have done or accomplished thus far in my life I have come to accept that I will be nothing more than my father’s daughter in her eyes. I no longer need her approval for anything I have done nor do I need her approval for anything I will do in the future. There are other people in my life who are proud of me and what I’ve accomplished thus far and who will continue to support me.
You will always be my mother and I respect you for forcing me to be the person that I am today but your opinion (or lack there of) means nothing to me from here on out. You will never see me as being good enough to be proud of and I will never be held on a pedestal like you hold my brother, so I am letting you off the hook. You’re off the hook, I won’t ever wait for your approval in order to be proud of myself. I AM proud of everything I’ve accomplished thus far and I have big plans for myself. I will accomplish anything I put my mind to and MY father will always be proud of me. I am not my brother but I AM my father’s daughter and I AM proud as hell of that!!